2020: An Expat's Journey of Turning Extreme Isolation into Extreme Healing

2020 was going to be a big year for me: I had finally put down firm roots in London, and with my approved work visa in hand, I was going to live fully and love deeply. Everything was falling into place.

Welllll, the universe has jokes (ahem), and guess what? It still ended up being a huge year for me, but in a much different way than I imagined. 

Independence Becoming Isolation

Obviously, I adore the feeling of being a jet-setting, freedom-seeking, modern day gypsy. What I didn't count on was all the things I loved most being stripped from me in one fell swoop. 

If you're an expat, then you know very well the feeling of sheer panic and horror watching the borders close, flights get cancelled, and the world coming to a full stop, isolating us from our homeland and families, and taking away our ability to roam freely. Suddenly, my independent expat lifestyle felt extremely isolating. It was around April that I realized this thing was not going to go away and I wouldn't be able to travel anytime soon. On top of that, I worried about my parents' health with a raging pandemic. 

My mental health started to slip. 

"I didn't work so hard to get a work visa to just sit and stare at walls!" I told myself while sobbing into my pillow. I wanted to hug my parents, I wanted to feel free again. Instead I just felt utterly alone. 

Transmuting Pain Into Strength

One thing the pandemic taught me is that we have two options when in deep, suffocating pain: either we can sit in that pain and eventually sink deeper into it, or we can begin the healing process. 

The healing process, by the way, is somewhat maddening; however, coming out the other side provides the most formidable strength, the kind that builds empires and sparks renaissances. 

I used a myriad of self-healing tools to help set my heart right, which involved furiously journaling, scheduling healing sessions, learning how to confront my pain instead of hiding from it, reading lots of Eckhart Tolle, and speaking softly to my inner child. It was a struggle every single day. It is STILL a struggle as we start to unpack the trauma of the last year. 

Most of all, I learned how to be strong for myself, by myself. Being an expat through the pandemic forced me to stare extreme isolation and depression straight in the eye. I had to ask myself what my loneliness was teaching me, and I got some very direct answers. I am still learning to embrace these truths that came out of 2020, which are: 

In the thick of loneliness, you are your own lover. You'll need to learn how to hold yourself when you wish, achingly, that someone else was holding you instead. 

On the days where you can barely lift yourself out of bed, you're going to have to be your own mother. You'll need to make yourself a cup of tea, make space for your tears to fall freely, and remind yourself that you are loved. 

You're going to have to learn how to fight a little, to believe that the raging fire will forge you stronger, to believe in the goodness on the most soul stripping of days. 

When you are feeling your very weakest, you must cradle your inner child and tell them that everything's going to be alright, and that even when the world is crashing, you're still there to protect them. You are the creator of the sanctuary that holds your past self, your present reality, and your dreamy future. 

And lastly, when your heart is broken and you consider sealing it off to prevent further damage, you're going to have to find the strength to pry it back open. No matter how many times it gets shattered, you must keep that beautiful heart open, my love. 

I took these truths and wrapped myself in them daily. I found that even people who were coupled up often  felt alone, and even people that stayed in their hometown struggled with isolation. We all had to pull ourselves out of the swamp of sadness and stagnation, covered in muck, but feeling rather proud for finding any strength at all when hopelessness reigned supreme. I'm still so very proud of us humans. 

The Aftermath: Unpacking the Year That Never Was

2020 didn't end up being the year I thought it would be; it ended up being far more troublesome, but equally as poignant. I evolved in a hyper-speed, supercharged way.  

I am still crying over loss from the year that didn't seem to happen. I am still healing. I am still trying to understand what the fuck we even went through. 

Weirdly, though, I find myself eternally grateful for it. It was the year I became my greatest ally & my greatest strength. 

And you, dear reader, if you're an expat that made it through the thick of the pandemic, you are pure resilience! You are a badass rogue warrior who can't be messed with. You are a revolution of a million stars who came together to chase the darkness away.

Here is to the year that never was, but was also the most important of them all. May we continue on as expats, not lonely and lost, but courageous self-healers who could never lose that adventurous spirit that sits at the very core of who we are.