Dating as an Expat, a Lesson in Humanness

Dating in a foreign country sounds like a fantasy, right? Single American expat moves to romantic, old city, finds the love of her life, has babies with cute little accents...that's a panty dropping situation, if I ever did see one. 

However, when you actually START dating in a different country, reality comes crashing down fast. You've got all the usual tropes you find in modern dating, especially the dating app variety! A British man might be more polite and well spoken than your average American man, but can be just as much of an asshole at the end of the day. 

I was always a late bloomer when it came to love, anyway. Turns out a noncommital gypsy personality breeds a love for noncommital men. It's something I have been working on the past few years, actually. I've been on a big journey of exploring my patterns, how they relate to my childhood, and how I can better learn to be a lover to myself, first and foremost. 

However, I learned a lot from the dating relationships I've had here in London. Everything is about learning, right? (She says with a bruised and battered heart and a glass of scotch whisky to soothe the pain). 

To the Italian Lover: You taught me sensuality. I thank you for that. You were coming out of a bad situation, and you couldn't make up your mind on what you wanted. We did our little dance, off and on, for a year and a half, or so. Through you, I learned how much I tend to let things linger, how much I stay in grey zones, and how I had to start expressing my needs and wants in life. You were able to have hard conversations, and I'm happy you didn't run from the tears. I remember you with fondness overall. 

To the Indian Workaholic: I never saw you! Work came first, which was understandable, but there must be balance in life. Things ended pretty civilly, maybe because no real attachment was formed. Still, it was fun while it lasted. 

To the Cricket Playing Ghoster: You were too charming from the start, with a hint of nerd. I was smitten from the get go. I felt we were something, and was blindsighted when you disappeared. You need to learn how to say goodbye, my dear, even if it brings a world of guilt to you. In retrospect, I realized how many red flags I let slide because I thought the world of you. This wasn't long ago, and I'm still getting over this one.

Well these are the main blokes I dated the last 2 years. There were a few other dates here and there, but these are the ones that stuck around for awhile.  

And you might be thinking to yourself, "Ashley, you're in your thirties! Haven't you learned yet?" Well, please see above about me being a late bloomer. I'm still learninggggg. This is my path, and I don't mind at all that I'm late to the game (while also really hating the game). The one thing I've learned from dating other thirtysomethings is that no one has it figured out, and we're all still winging it as we go. Obviously, this is not just in dating, but in life. 

To borrow a quote from one of my favorite books/films, High Fidelity, the main character, Rob, tells a breakup story from when he was younger, then laments: 

"It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one." 

Obviously, the thing I'm sussing out is that we're all human and there are no real bad guys here. I'm to blame as much as the guys mentioned above. We're broken, imperfect, silly little beings that get attracted to love and drama and being saved by fantasies. I can blame the opposite sex, but they're also just trying to figure it the fuck out. We're learning how to come home to ourselves, while also inviting another person in, which can get...tricky. It matters not what country you come from. 

The expat-gains-a-foreign-lover fantasy is a nice one, but I'm going to replace that fantasy with a new one: 

The Expat Who Continues on Her Journey of Discovering Her Own Humanness, and in That Journey of Trial and Error, Eventually Meets Her Equal. 

It's kind of reassuring, actually, that no matter where I go in the world I see how much we are connected by our humanness. At the end of the day, I'm thankful for the shattered hearts, the tears, the past lovers, all of which have built me into the powerhouse of a woman I am now.